The day I have been dreaming of, dreading, and waiting for is finally here. My oldest child started kindergarten today. And I am feeling all the emotions.

I am sad. She’s growing up so fast. I swear I blinked my eyes and she went from a colicky newborn to a sweet and beautiful little girl. Not that I miss the endless crying (like, at all), but I do miss the days when she could curl up nicely on my lap. Now she’s all legs and elbows. Before I know it, she’ll be too cool to hold my hand, too embarrassed to walk next to me. She’ll be wearing crop tops and makeup, and texting me that she’s not coming home for dinner. And then I’ll have to watch in despair as she packs up her belongings and moves out of our house and into the real world. Someone pass the tissues.

I am anxious. Dropping her off at preschool was one thing. But now she’s in a class with twice as many students and half the number of teachers, in a school with kids much bigger than her. Will it overwhelm her? Will she make new friends and be able to sit still during longer lessons? Will she stand up for herself? Will I be okay leaving a part of my heart at that school every day?

I am excited. This kid chatters nonstop and does not know how to play by herself…which means this mama is ready for a break. Five whole hours a day without her asking for more snacks. It’s almost unfathomable. And to make it even better, my youngest will be in preschool three mornings a week, so for the first time in five years I will have regularly scheduled kid-free time to grocery shop at a leisurely pace or blast some Eminem while I clean. Time to work on my book, to paint the living room a new color, to hear myself think.

I am relieved. That she is eager to start kindergarten. That one of her friends from preschool is in the same class. That she’s got a great teacher. That she is growing up into an amazing, kind, and happy person. It all helps me breath a little easier.

I am exhausted. Just thinking about all the running back and forth I’ll be doing shuttling two kids to two different schools makes me want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. Not to mention the monumental task of getting both kids fed, dressed, and out the door by 8 am every day. And I don’t even drink coffee. Eek. BUT, I survived having a newborn and a 14-month old, so I know I’ll figure this out too. I’ll just have to get organized. I am a little nerdy and love making schedules. (Although sticking to them is another story, so send me all your positive vibes. And tips from all you experienced parents out there.)

But most of all, I feel a crazy intense amount of love for this little human that God blessed me with. And I am so proud to call her my daughter.